---
title: "The Birds on Posterior Acoustics"
date: 2021-07-12
tags:
- birds
- unstagnation
---

**Summary:** The Birds are confronted with a dilemma that they must resolve. Curiosity of human flesh knows no bounds.

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---

'Tis but a normal evening in the Bird household. Waffle Bird once again rants about the injustices of the education system by the dining table as Muffin Bird and Egg listen attentively. At the same time, Brandy Bird and Noodle Bird pretend to listen attentively while playing a racing game together on the TV.

Soup Bird doesn't bother pretending as he scribbles on papers for the upcoming school year.

"I'm so scared of accidentally unmuting in Frances's class," Waffle finishes, breathing hard as she concludes her latest rant. Muffin and Eggy nod along in complete agreement as Runo chuckles at his phone from the couch. 

*"I'm so scared of accidentally unmuting in Frances'* ass." The surprise on Runo's face is completely fake as Waffle's mangled words pierce through even the racing game's music and Soup's focus on work.

There is silence except for the slowly quieting *vroom*s from the bots that overtake Brandy's and Noodle's cars.

Muffin is the first to speak up. "Runo," he says. "Kill yourself."

Soup snorts and is unable to hold in laughter until an urgent thought strikes him, a potential misunderstanding that must be resolved in his mind. "But…" he ponders, "how do you unmute…in someone's ass? How does that work?"

Attention shifts from Runo as now everyone focuses on Soup's incomprehensible question.

"Runo…" Brandy says slowly, "you can meme him."

Eggy thinks it over and comes to a conclusion. "How *doesn't* it work?" he asks quizzically but without elaboration.

"It doesn't make logical sense?" Soup's confusion is not shared by the other members in the household. "Like," he tries to explain, "the only way I can think of —"

What the only way Soup can think of will never be known as Eggy interrupts him. "Getting it *in* there might not make sense, but if it was already there, what's stopping you from unmuting?"

An understanding "ah" is followed by a nod from Soup as he follows along. "Ohh. So —"

"What the fuck." Runo's sentiment is completely agreed with by everyone else as Eggy and Soup continue to discuss the merits of an electronic device in the human body.

Soup continues, "— there means that *Waffle* is in *Frances'* ass, and then…she talks?"

As the mental image slowly dawns upon everyone in the room to varying degrees of disgust, Eggy's expression makes it clear he's suddenly changed his mind. "I advise you stop thinking about it."

Noodle clutches her head, shaking it frantically, her controller having dropped to the ground. Her eyes attempt to roll into the back of her head but fail. "Oh my god please delete this from my eyes — i can't — I just imagined it, now it's stuck…"

"I mean…good acoustics?" Waffle's expression is frozen in a gentle smile as she tries to wrap and simultaneously unwrap the idea around her head. "What even…"

"Can I censor Soup for the good of our sanity?" Brandy asks everyone.

"No." Eggy makes it seem like they're having a perfectly normal discussion.

"Yes," Brandy insists.

"What the fuck do you mean by 'acoustics'?" Muffin says accusingly after finally letting the conversation sink in, tempting further discussion.

"It's a small enclosed space," Eggy reminds him in a sensible tone, receiving an incredulous face in return.

"But who would be listening?" Morbid curiosity fills Noodle's voice as she dares to go further. Her question goes unanswered, however, as the others pile on to correct Eggy's acoustic sense.

"As an audiophile, I feel offended." The indignation of Muffin's declaration is unparalleled. He opens his mouth to continue, but —

"But it's like a tube?" Soup's innocent question leaves Muffin's mouth hanging open.

"True," Eggy concedes. "There might be an echo."

"Censor Soup, *right now*," Muffin demands, ripping off a strip of duct tape.

"It's the large intestine, right?" Soup carries on, oblivious to potential death threats behind him.

"Yeah."

The tubular description helps Waffle realise something. "Like, you know how practising your instrument in the washroom makes it, like, sound okay? Decently?"

"But, like," Soup starts, "I don't think sound is very reflective on flesh."

"I dunno," Waffle frowns, thinking it over. "I practised in the bathroom with my friend once. Practised an instrumental, I mean."

"Human tissue is soft and absorbs stuff really easily," Eggy adds helpfully.

The sheer urge to provide concrete facts stalls Muffin long enough to prevent him from performing violent actions on Soup for the time being. "It is in fact not," he confirms, then steps menacingly closer. "I call upon the pope to strike Soup with lightning."

"Please do," Waffle groans, face in palm once she realises she's meaningfully taking part in the discussion. She joins the others in being unable to turn away but desiring to be as far removed as possible.

"Also, there are other substances in the large intestine that absorb the sound," Soup realises.

Muffin glowers at him.

"…So the acoustics aren't good probably," Eggy concludes, nodding to himself.

Unable to help herself, Waffle reluctantly returns to the shining pillar that is Soup slowly reasoning in the moat of implications of their current topic. "Okay, so many not good acoustics."

"Yeah." Soup nods in satisfaction. "URK —" In a bout of desperation to stop him from ruining the others' evening, Muffin takes it upon himself to strangle Soup from behind.

"Soup," he says sadly, "please die in a hole."

"Maybe," Waffle agrees, looking on but not moving. "LOL!"

Using the underside of his chair as leverage, Soup in a moment of clarity forces his head forward and grips Muffin's arms to throw him up and over. Surprised, Muffin's grip tightens and Soup follows along as they spin twice together before collapsing into a heap on the floor.

Inadvertently releasing his neck, Muffin glares angrily but frozen in place as Soup pins him down with his knees and an arm, the other being used to rub his throat. "I don't know… It doesn't make much sense. Okay," he nods at Muffin, "I'm high. I should stop."

Muffin sighs in relief as both the topic of conversation ends and he's released from the Soup's restraints. "Did she ever say that she spoke in his ass?" he wonders.

Muffin's duct tape he dropped is picked up by Brandy. He turns it over in his hands, examining it. "Am I justified in censoring Soup if he keeps talking about this?"

"Yes."

"Soup's EE —" Muffin jokes, brushing himself off. "An acoustic study of sound fields in the ass of Mr. Frances."

"Get Frances to supervise," Brandy adds, unable to resist.

A shiver runs through Soup as he considers this. "…Gonna get *roasted*. Hm, actually, what do you think if I — Mmph!"

Any of Soup's further inquiries are locked in his mind as Brandy finally slaps the duct tape around his mouth to a standing ovation.



------



Extra:

"Shit." Soup Bird buries his head in his hands. "Agggh…"

"What is it?" Noodle Bird leans over to see Soup Bird's screen, then winces as she reads the text. "Ah, you got *him* as your mentor? RIP — What topic are you doing?" She turns her eyes to the subject and topic submitted for approval, and her eyes widen.

"Ah." Noodle bursts out laughing, falling backward into her chair.

Soup groans, rubbing his head in pain and defeat as his eyes rescan the introductory message from his Extended Essay mentor.

*Hi Soup,*

*I took a look at your topic and found it quite interesting. However, you should consider expanding the scope of your experiment to asses in general.*

*Speaking of people in front of your computer, you might want to recruit some others so that you have a wide range of data over multiple repeats. You also would have to provide sufficient controls such as diet and routine, ensuring that the substances in each of your research locations are clearly known, or risk losing all marks for not having a proper methodology in your experiment.*

*I've already approved and locked in your topic. Please let me know of your research question and we can further discuss your research and methodology at our first formal meeting tomorrow.*

*Mr. Frances*