---
title: "The Birds on Language and Tea"
date: 2021-07-10
tags:
- birds
- unstagnation
---

**Summary:** The Birds discover Asia and its many variants of leaf juice. Waffle Bird is innocent.

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---

The living room is a mess to Noodle Bird's eyes. Papers are strewn across the rug and hardwood floor with Runo lying face down and limbs splayed. There are no words to describe what must have happened.

"What happened to Runo? Why is he talking about cum?"

Runo's giggles are muffled from the floor. "Cum," he slowly enunciates.

Brandy Bird sighs from his corner, reaching down from his spinny chair to give Runo's head a solid bonk. "Bonk — go to horny jail."

Noodle's gaze flits over to Skoomer Bird, who shifts further into his desk by his open laptop as if to disassociate himself from Runo. "Well, uh…maybe he is high," he offers.

Between fits of laughter, Runo defends himself. "I'm not horny!" he protests. "It's just a *funny* word. Especially since CANAMOO used it in their official solutions…as a short form for 'cumulative'."

Noodle nods in understanding. "Oh…I see. That's the *worst abbreviation ever!"* She lapses into giggles along with Runo who pounds a fist on the rug.

"I know, right? Waffle is just perpetually horny though, I dunno what's up with her."

Brandy snorts. "Brand new phrase right there."

At the same time, from the mention of her name, Waffle pokes her head around the corner from the neighbouring room. "Woah, wait — what. What?" she demands.

Runo hits a button on his phone, waving away the matter. "It's okay, nobody cares. Also, Brandy, I don't think that's new — that's a very old sentence and I've heard it at least, like, seven times."

*"Uwu cumsy wumsy!"* Waffle's tinny but clearly cheerful voice blares through Runo's phone speaker.

"Bruh — now I've been called 'perpetually horny' *and* 'universally *moist*'," Waffle sniffs. "I don't know what is *up* with you people!"

Runo pushes himself into a sitting position, shrugging smoothly. "If it happens multiple times, it's probably you."

"No!" Waffle vehemently denies. "I think they are just *bad* because I am innocent!"

"Nobody innocent would innocently say 'uwu cumsy wumsy'," Runo points out. "You can't *do* that."

Waffle turns away from them and huffs an annoyed huff. "Well, I am gonna blame it on the lack of outside time messing with my brain!"

Skoomer decides to offer his own opinion on the matter. "Consider decreasing your caffeine overdose," he suggests helpfully.

"Come on, it was *one* coffee I bought yesterday," Waffle insists, "and I'm still not done."

"She doesn't like coffee, she said." Runo also reminds Skoomer. "It's boba."

Skoomer squints suspiciously at Waffle, who throws her hands up and gestures wildly at his accusations. "I literally drank half of the coffee and couldn't continue! Also I was really tired! And jittery. And tired!"

Skoomer considers his past experiences with Waffle. "You are perpetually jittery," he notes.

"Goddammit!"

Runo laughs. "I mean, coffee tastes *good* cold."

There is a noise of unadulterated disgust from Brandy's corner. He slowly turns and stares into the depths of Runo's soul with an unsatisfactory expression. "How do you expel the landlord?"

Waffle sticks her tongue out. "Coffee tastes terrible," she generalises. "No amount of sugar can cover how terrible coffee is. And it doesn't even work!"

This grave insult to their dignities goes unnoticed by both Brandy and Runo as they stare each other down. "What?" Runo demands. "Cold coffee is literally a thing you can buy at most places. You're just *uncultured* — not my problem."

"Like Bappachino or something?" Brandy asks.

"Moondollars!" Waffle interjects with the name of a popular coffee chain.

"I don't know coffee," Runo puts out as a disclaimer, palms held outward. "Just that cold coffee is good."

"Bruh," says Brandy. "Well, I guess that's fine — but I thought you meant hot coffee that went cold." The tension slowly dissipates as the misunderstanding is resolved.

"I mean, that's fine as well," Runo amends.

Waffle's eyes sparkle as she gasps when she remembers something amazing. "$1 iced coffee at McBirb's!"

The group only notices at this time that Skoomer has been shaking with visible anger in his seat, his fingers frozen above his keyboard.

"Calm down, green tea enjoyer," Runo faces away from him but turns back soon after. "Okay, I'm sorry — green tea is good as well…sometimes."

Skoomer returns to his work, appeased.

"Green tea good!" Waffle chirps. Noodle returns and cleanly bonks her from the side. "Yes! Black tea also good!"

"Green tea good!" Noodle agrees and leaves again.

"Orange pekoe can die in a hole!"

Runo makes an indescribable face.

"Literally *so bad!"* Waffle continues. "Worse than Earl Grey! And that already *sucks!"*

Skoomer sighs as he sips his own cup of tea. "Xihu Longjing for the win, by the way," he declares smugly.

Runo looks at him blankly. "The fuck is that?"

Skoomer shakes his head at Runo's lack of knowledge of Skoomer customs, heaving out truly the most disappointed of sighs, then launches into what would be a multi-minute explanation of its origin, benefits, and superior flavour and attributes.

He doesn't even reach ten seconds when Runo decides that he'd rather listen to something more interesting. "LMAO, okay."

Waffle flops backward onto the couch, arms out in either direction. "This cup looks so *thick*…" She points at the bubble tea clipart plastered on the ceiling of the room. "I want a thick cup of bubble tea…" Her whisper embodies longing rivalling that of the attraction between the sun and the Earth.

"It's just short," Runo dismisses.

"I want to buy some bubble tea right now…" Tears leak out of the poor girl's eyes as her bubble hopes and dreams lay crushed, malnourished, and emptied.

Skoomer notices this and doubles down. "Short…" he agrees, "like Waffle."

Waffle instantly jumps up, hair flying as she uses the full extent of her height to refute Skoomer. "No! Wrong!"

Runo shakes his head in mock disapproval. "Skoomer," he chides, "you're the only tall one here." He scooches a little closer. "We out*number* you…"

Skoomer trains his eyes on Runo, slowly rolling his spinny chair back an inch for each inch Runo approaches. "Bread!" he calls. "Save me!"

Bread Bird crashes down the stairs and freezes when greeted by the sight of Runo and Waffle staring hungrily at Skoomer. "What the fuck is going on."

Runo ignores the newcomer. "We will take your headphones first!" he declares.

"Take all his headphones!" Waffle joins in, flanking Skoomer's evacuation path. "He can't stop us!"

"He probably has enough for all of us — so rich!"

"N-no," Skoomer nervously denies, flicking his eyes occasionally to Bread in a plea for help.

Bread shakes his head sadly and salutes. "Skoomer, I cannot defend you in this scenario. Your YN-2000YN4 is too good."

"Nooo!"

Granted implicit permission, Waffle cheers and tackles Skoomer clear off of his chair, scrabbling for the headphones around his head.

Bread looks on sadly, but with no regrets.