18 KiB
My, little Peony must have such pain in his heart to so coldly shrug off an earnest request. Perhaps he suffered from childhood trauma in which his family was brutally murdered and thus he was forced to be independent, grew up much too fast, and now his heart is locked away, waiting for someone with a kind heart to bring him back to the world. But I digress.
A rather melancholic tune, if I do say so myself. If I were forced to speculate, I might say that he suffered through a traumatic in his adolescent years that closed him from the outside world. A troubled soul, lost and alone, dreaming of the golden years of his past! But I digress.
“Sialia, humans are fascinating characters. Oftentimes quite dim, but fascinating nonetheless. Simply because you have the brain the size of an earthworm — don’t chortle on me now — does not mean that my dear, cherished grandson isn’t intelligent enough to desire a broader perspective.”
Don’t give me that, young sir! If your wings are sore already, you’ll be stuck in Los Angeles for the winter! And what sort of self-respecting bluebird would let themselves stay in LA? The place is for lazy, sheltered, never-had-to-work-a-single-day-in-their-life cocks, that’s what it’s for. I shan’t let you do it, not while these old bones can still slap you out of the sky!
Are you still sore? Yes? Stick a worm in it. Here. Some nutrition. Properly prepared earthworm, not like that bland, processed feed I came back to last night. I had thought your mother would have properly taught you how to feed yourself.
Keep an eye on the blue car beast. Humans feed them stinky earth juice, and in return, they regurgitate the humans when the human feels like it’s traveled far enough.
Observe. This is one of the many human education institutions. Humans are incredibly stupid, so unlike us bluebirds, in order to do anything, they have to attend years of classes simply to learn what they can and cannot eat. See? They can’t even eat nuts. Truly, I pity the poor species.
If there is one appendage to admire from the humans, I must say it has to be their nose. Not only can they smell far better than we can, it’s so expressive when they wrinkle it so.
What a wonderful girl. When she wants something, she takes it. Be like her when you grow up. She also understands what power she has, and makes full use of it. If you never show off your skills and abilities, you’ll never attract a good mate. It’s important that every single bird around you knows just how competent, how amazing, how fearsome you are. Oh, David…
What’s a little bloodshed between friends?
My, the poor girl must be suffering from whiplash more than the time I slammed into a car’s windshield!
“No, I can’t! Every time I even think about being nice to that girl, I want to sock her so hard that her head springs back to knock both of us out so we don’t have to interact. Please, Brooke. Be my Pamela shield.”
They call it The Spanking. When a student and a teacher hate each other very much,
Lady, if your eyebrow lifts any higher, it might grow wings and migrate to Vancouver with us.
When you grow up, dearest Archie, desire nothing but to survive, thrive, and bear children. You’ll be happier that way.
What is this nonsense? If you can back up anything you say by beating other birds up, you’re right. Who’s going to tell you otherwise? This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this argument from humans. No wonder they bicker so uselessly among themselves so often and never get anything done.
Mind your wings — best not to get lost in the scent of Subway, lest you become addicted. Your great-grandfather was once a renowned human-watcher, but he strayed too close, too many times, and was Subway-ridden for the rest of his life. Couldn’t fly a quarter mile away before his wings would lock up and he fell out of the sky.
Hm. Perhaps there is a flaw in this human. I do not believe that I have ever seen so many crosses.
We do not poke fun at those unable to fly — we can only look down upon them, sympathise, and offer our condolences.
Get up, or I’ll make you live in Los Angeles for a week!
I was once an engineer, you know. I was present at the founding gathering of the International Engineering Society. Delicious seeds. Truly some of the best food I’ve ever had.
So what if you’ve heard it three times? This is an important cultural milestone of our species’ history! You should listen to it at least ten times!
Perhaps I chose a flawed human. I do not believe that they are supposed to sprint across the middle of the road quite like that. Or be struck by their car companions like that.
Personally, I must interject to say that carrots are an abomination. Along with potatoes. No fruit, and you have to pull them out of the ground to eat them. And what do you get for all that effort? A bloody chore of a food, that’s what you get! Disgusting, starchy, barely juicy things, those are. Humans are a truly a different breed, they are. I’ll forgive the child just this once for this transgression.
Bah. Mind your tongue. Simply because you hold objectively incorrect opinions close to your heart does not mean that you can spout off such nonsense in front of civilised birds such as myself. Didn’t your father tell you to respect your elders? Be grateful that I refrain from using strong language in front of underage birds.
One of the any churches in the world. Legend has it that some idiot human strapped himself to the cross and got killed.
No, Elizabeth, snap yourself out of it! Remember the vomiting. Remember the vomiting. Yes. Ahh…
What kind of stupid, arrogant, deranged bird would voluntarily come to Los Angeles?
Oh, my. Ahem. What I mean to ask was — what kind of strong, dashing, chiselled, courageous, alluring, scarred-backstory bird would voluntarily come to Los Angeles?
“Liz, I swear, the next chance I get, I am going to take the gleeful, probably cancerous prick growing out of your head and ram it up your —”
“I still cannot believe that you’re here because you wanted to check out a hot bird.”
I very explicitly did not say that, Sialia. Stop putting words into my beak.
“Right. How did you put it? ‘The most incredible bird you’ve seen in years. His physique, his manner, his scars’? I can’t possibly imagine how that could be construed as something even remotely romantic. No, not at all.”
Your harsh words wound me. Still so sarcastic.
“She calls me harsh! Archie, who do you think is harsher? Me or your grandmother? It’s okay if you say me. Liz is completely harmless.”
What did you say? Are you calling me old?
“Aren’t I?”
Why, Sialia, if I weren’t so generous, I would have your head pinned to the ground under my claw until you begged for mercy.
“Aw, thanks! I have to say — you have better lines this time. If you want to get this William Swainson —”
That’s William John Swainson to you.
“— this William John Swainson — between your legs, you have to try a little harder than that.”
I have years of experience, Sialia. I’m not a fledgling anymore.
Don’t be so picky, child. Eat it. You heard Sialia. She’ll be very much heartbroken if you don’t try it, you know? She’ll fall over, bawling her eyes out to the world, body wracked with sobs at the sheer offense brought to her by one small bluebird named Archie. But I digress.
Ah, young love. The boy and the girl look so happy together. You know, child, that in my youth, I was hounded by men for who they thought I was? It is wonderful to see that today’s human youth have moved on past such frivolities. To my knowledge, it is still an ongoing issue with us. If the boy and the girl were bluebirds, they would treat every interaction like a transaction, until they realise that it isn’t worth being so on guard to every single person around them and decide to love each other unconditionally.
I have seen humans gleefully stab each other simply because of infatuation, just like bluebirds. Literally every single couple in human society has major issues that prevent them from being a perfectly functional unit. Every single one.
Ice cream is another food that will kill you. No matter how much sugar you detect, it’s poison! All poison. Humans should be ashamed, leaving out bait for good, honest birds to consume. And it’s not like they eat them either! We simply die for nothing. How incredibly rude.
“It exists. Therefore it’s wrong. And because you’re defending it, it must be wrong. See how everything logically ties in together so neatly?”
“I’m gonna throw you off the hill.”
“With your noodle arms? Fat chance.”
“These noodle arms picked up your skinny ass once before, Jeremy.”
What did I tell you, Sialia? They’re already threatening violence. We just skip the discussion bit and go straight to the violencing. Another way how birds are significantly more efficient than humans.
Every human relationship ends up like this eventually. They argue back and forth with each other until one of them breaks.
“Archie, don’t listen to your grandmother. She doesn’t understand a bit of friendly ribbing. Banter, if you will.”
Banter? You call this banter? No wonder you don’t have a partner, Sialia. If you consider this “friendly ribbing”, I shudder to imagine what you must consider verbal abuse.
“Have you listened to yourself recently?”
“Just one question. Did it hurt?”
“What do you mean, sir?”
“When you fell…”
“I didn’t fall?” An important lesson to you, child. Although the girl has a blissfully unaware expression on her face, you must hone your instinct to realise that we are moments before disaster. Sialia, if you don’t let me leave, I will hide ants in your nest.
“…from heaven.”
I’m going to vomit. Let me vomit, Sialia. You can’t tell me what to do. I don’t care how much seed will pour out of my beak. I cannot spend one more minute listening to this sappy nonsense.
“Uh, it’s a metaphor. It means you’re beautiful. Are you an angel?”
“…No. Thank you. Will that be all?”
“Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? You dirty, dirty freak.”
“Yes, I’m your dirty, dirty freak! I want it so, so much.”
“Now get on your knees. The handcuffs stay on. That’s an order.”
“Ha… Yes, yes, of course!”
“Did I say you could talk back to me?”
See? Now this is proper flirting. Mind the whip. At this range, it could clip your wing off. If I were a human, I’d marry this human right now and here!
What are you two looking at me like that for?
“Sorry about that. You must be tired.”
“Yeah.”
“After running around my head all day.”
No, do not smile, girl, what is wrong with you. I have had it with this couple!
“That was terrible and you should feel terrible.”
“Aw… But you love me anyway. You smiled!”
“I did and I hate it. But I love you anyway.”
“Liz, sometimes I get the feeling that you’re not listening to me.”
Of course I do. When have I ever not acknowledged anything you’ve said?
“I mean, I feel like you never really consider it.”
I consider everything from everyone at great length. I am always correct, after all. In order to be so correct, I must acquire any new information as fast as possible.
If I hear that inane word one more time, I might have to commit bodily assault on one of the humans here. Thank you, child, I do not need the earplugs.
“Dude! You’re so based. It’s so fire, bro!”
“Rio, pass me the laptop! To save the dragons, I’ve got to hack into the Nomekop mainframe and eliminate all traces of Aderyn before we land!”
I can only imagine the people at the ends of those sticks, poking and jabbing him in all the most sensitive places to make him squeal.
What do you mean, you’d love that?
“Maybe I should get a new cardigan for myself. Just in time for spring. How about this purple-and-yellow polka dotted one?”
Gah! My eyes! The contrast is too great! Yet I can’t tear my eyes away. It is — it is objectively offensive to the eyes.
“Gah! My eyes! That is the most offensive cardigan I’ve ever seen. I didn’t even know they could make them like that. You should get it.”
“You think so? I think it’d be funny to stroll around in this. Change up the look a little.”
“I agree! You should totally buy it.”
“Hang on, let me get someone else’s opinion on it. Hold my stuff while I change?”
I see. She must remove her existing outer layer of clothes before putting on a new outer layer of clothes. Such a hassle that they even have a dedicated private room for it.
Oh my goodness. I cannot look at her. I think I might go blind. My eyes feel like they’re flying into a glass sliding door over and over again. It’s horrifying.
“Honestly? It’s better than I thought. For some reason, it doesn’t look nearly as offensive on you as it did alone. They won’t run you out of the store for this or anything. I’m still going to pretend that I don’t know you.” Pardon me? Madam? Do you need to see an eye doctor? Perhaps acquire some glasses? Are we looking at the same shirt? Did your eyes perhaps lock themselves into place looking at her face and steadfastly ignoring every other part of the outfit for the sake of their sanity?
“Strange. Don’t be a scaredy-cat, Shayla. I thought it was abominable. Come on. Excuse me? Hi.” She’s roped in a new poor woman. May Garuda have mercy on your eyes. “So sorry to bother you, but on a scale from one to ten, how offensive is this outfit?”
“One. No contest.”
“One being least offensive.”
“Yeah, still a one. I feel like I can barely see it. It’s pretty hard to notice.” Her eyes are locked onto Mira’s face. No wonder it’s difficult to notice. The sight is elicits such a visceral reaction that their eyes dedicate all of their power toward self-preservation.
Mira must not be able to see the full thing, so when she looks down at her cardigan and back up, she doesn’t get the full effect.
“Huh. Thank you very much. Shayla, I think I want a third opinion. I think maybe both of you are gaslighting me or something.”
“It’s fine, Mira. How could we both be gaslighting you?”
“I don’t think I saw either of you actually look at the cardigan. It kinda felt like you were staring directly in my eyes the whole time.”
“No way.”
“Let me find someone else who might have functioning eyes. Ah. Excuse me!”
“Hello, yes? How may I help you — good glory! My eyes, my EYES! Ma’am, I am so sorry, but my brain is restraining me from looking in your direction — it’s the cardigan, I swear, not you personally.”
I knew it! Finally, my opinion validated. I was beginning to wonder if our superior inhuman eyesight was the only thing that let us recognise truly how ugly that cardigan was.
“Thank god! I was about to believe my friend when she said that it looked fine. How could dull yellow polka dots work on a purple fabric?”
“Absolutely — wait. Was that from here?”
“You bet. Picked it up from the bunch of cardigans over there.”
“Yeah, no. That is not okay, ma’am. Sorry, but — ahem. In my professional opinion, I would advise you remove that cardigan and let me take it to the incinerator.”
Such a wise employee.
“I kinda wanna take it home, though. It gets really good reactions.”
“Look, ma’am, if you want to take it home, I’m not going to stop you. But I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Of course I do. Right, Shayla? When have I ever not known what I was doing?”
“Shockingly, very few times.”
“Exactly. So let’s go check out. I still want to visit the market on Main Street going on this week!”
It’s a classic! A man and a woman meet in a bar. She comes here looking for a drink and an escape from her reality, but instead, she finds a man who, although he seems aloof, is actually the mask in front of a troubled soul who, after a great shift in his life, is trying to get his life back together.
All of your problems are solved now that you’ve found a man!
I have seen worms inching faster than these two progressing their relationship.
Look at the development. The progression. At this rate, they might even get together before I die.
That sputter is reminiscent of the tractor that killed your Uncle Jordan.
Now, some mouth-to-mouth action — that’s what we’re here for. The way the human lips lock together…the way the heads move as one as hands scrabble for grip… Even an old bird such as I can tell how much passion there is in a good, long kiss! If birds had lips, Marty would be blown away by how much love I’d make to him.
“Let me show you how to use a carving knife…”
I wish he would show her how to carve out a future for them together instead.
“Son, maybe the times are changing. And I respect that. But no matter what happens, never lose that fighting spirit. Can’t fight the girls? Fine. There’s still a good half of the population you can beat some sense into. Now, if they say that fighting is bad and that no one should do it or whatever? That’s when you put your fist down and screw the rules. Let no one tell you what you can or can’t do.”
“I’ll do my best, dad!”
“I know you will, son. Make me proud. Nothing like a good fist to the noggin to help loosen any lips.”
Wonderful parenting. This I can get behind one hundred percent. I know I have a lot of negative things to say about humans, but in reality, they’re so diverse that there are so many different viewpoints to learn from. There are some that are objectively wrong, some that are objectively right, and then most are in the middle. It’s rather refreshing to have one’s opinions validated every once in a while.